Shock News: Bono drowns in caviar-filled bath

Bono R.I.P.

Bono R.I.P.

Shocking news is breaking that world-famous lead singer from U2, Paul Hewson a.k.a. Bono, was found dead this morning in a penthouse suite of a hotel in Amsterdam.

At 10:00 this morning  staff of the Intercontinental Amstel hotel in Amsterdam made the decision to enter Bono’s penthouse suite despite the “Do Not Disturb” sign hung on the door. The decision was taken after Bono’s missed an appointment to meet his new Dutch accountant to discuss important taxation affairs.

Upon entering the room staff were shocked to discover Bono submerged in a bath of caviar. Urgent attempts were made to revive Mr. Hewson but the emergency CPR attempts were hindered by the large quantities of Almas Beluga caviar which were blocking his windpipe.

Dangerous Do Not Disturb

Dangerous Do Not Disturb

Authorities arrived on the scene and do not currently suspect foul play, however enquiries are being made as to the whereabouts of the supplier of such a large quantity of Almas Beluga caviar, which famously retails for £25,000 per kilo, and samples of the caviar have been sent to the Nederlands Forensisch Instituut in the Hague for testing to rule out any possibility of poisoning.

Bono’s body has been removed to the city morgue and it is expected that cause of death will be either asphyxiation or the rarely seen ‘indulgence toxicity’,  however it has been advised that no statement on this will be given until a full toxicity test has been undertaken.

Costly Death Blanket

Costly Death Blanket

Hendrickje Brinkerhoff, a hair stylist in an exclusive salon a near to the International Amstel, said this afternoon that she had been delighted to serve Mr. Hewson on a couple of occasions recently. “I think it’s really sad,” Ms. Brinkerhoff said. “He seemed like a very happy man and had said that the people in Holland were so much better dressed than the Irish that he knew. He made me laugh when he said that but I wasn’t sure how he would take me giving him advice on his own fashion sense.” She later added “It’s funny, he wouldn’t take his sunglasses off even when I was washing his hair.”

Outside the Intercontinental Amstel hotel a sizeable crowd had gathered and many people expressed shock at Mr. Hewson’s death. Rykaard Groesbeck, a local artist, said, “That’s terrible. It seems such a cruel way to go, and what a waste of such expensive caviar!”

Geertje Schermerhorn, a student who was passing by, said, “That’s awful, and I was only listening to ‘Shiny Happy People’ this morning. The world must be much less happy now.”

As news of Mr. Hewson’s death spreads across the Internet, the Chief of Police (Hoofdcommissaris) has issued a fairly terse summary of the death: “On Wednesday the 1st of July 2009 at approximately 1000 hours, in the centrum precinct, police responded to the InterContinental Amstel at Professor Tuppelin 1 and found a M/W/48 unconscious. The victim was pronounced DOA upon removal from a bath filled with Almas Beluga caviar. Investigation continues.”

U2’s manager and other band members have so far been unavailable for comment.

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